I've recently written about the miscarriage I experienced last week. You can read about it here if you missed it and would like some context for this post, which is coming to you as part of your interest in some element or another of HeartBody Method.
Because most people on this list are interested in the deeper stuff, I want to explore a deeper element with you.
At some point in this miscarriage, I didn't feel like I could keep going. It had been well over 36 hours and I was in a long stretch of intense cramping. I didn't know when this round of cramping would end, and more than that, I didn't know if this would be the last round.
I felt demoralized and drained and totally, wildly, out of control.
I started to feel like a victim. Not a victim of having a miscarriage. But a victim of having this miscarriage.
I tend to go on high-alert when I am moving through a physical process and victimhood feelings arise. When it comes up for me, it speaks to a total lack of self-efficacy. It speaks of an absence of choice. It’s me, being in a one-down position with something outside me. It’s me, having lost my connection to self and to Life.
And so I noticed that I felt like a victim.
And I noticed that this was familiar space to me.
And I loved on myself, grieving for the ways that I WAS a victim, grieving for the ways that I AM a victim.
And then I noticed that I was not, in fact, chained to having this particular experience. That I had the absolute power of choice to walk into any hospital and request (and receive) a dilation and evacuation so that this could be completed quickly. That I could drug myself up if I wished to hurt less, feel less. That while I couldn’t - and wouldn’t wish to - prevent the miscarriage, I still had choices to make in how I experienced it.
A really difficult fact of life (at least difficult for most of us) is that so much is outside our control. Life is a series of things working out and things not working out and we can see this so clearly in our bodies. They are really responsive to what we consciously give them (good food! exercise!), but what we consciously give them isn't the only factor in play. There are the unconscious gifts (like the beliefs we hold about safety or about sitting) and there are our genetics, and there are chromosomal flukes and there are physical accidents and deep traumas experienced at the hands of others.
We are all dealt “unfair” hands. We all are living with some elements of the luck of the draw.
For me, this past weekend, I started to push against this "unfairness." I started to freak out as I encountered the way my body was not under my control, the way the baby who left was not under my control, the way this experience was unfolding in ways that I didn't want it to unfold.
Have you experienced this in yourself?
Have you found yourself pushing against the reality in your body, trying to get it to stop, feeling like a victim, resisting feeling like a victim, believing you have NO choice in the matter, believing you have every choice in the matter? Have you found yourself unwilling to be with the feelings of victimhood, pushing against them, too? Have you been trying to "just keep it together" or "stay positive"?
I imagine that all but the enlightened among us frequently run into our desire for control and experience the panic that ensues when we realize we're not, in fact, in control.
In my practice, I notice two things about this:
1. We forget to be with our pain around the fact that our bodies are not controllable. That our lives are not controllable.
2. We forget we have a choice about how we show up that deeply impacts the entirety of an experience.
One of the (painful) choices I made in the course of my miscarriage was to postpone delivering the first module of HeartBody Method.
I emailed my course students, explained what was going on, and went back to bed.
I mourned the fact that I wasn't going to creating this content that I love RIGHT AWAY. I mourned the fact that I might be perceived negatively. I mourned the fact that I wasn't keeping my commitment.
But continuing on would have kept me in that victim loop. It would have fed me a story that my body and its needs were a victim of productivity, of my creativity, of my deadlines and, god forbid, of my students.
I realized I had choices that would honor my body's and heart's needs and I made those choices. It was sad, but empowering.
All of these experiences left me deeply appreciating the HeartBody work I've done.
My experience of this miscarriage was profoundly altered as a result of the methods I'm sharing in HeartBody Method. The miscarriage I had last year was deeply healing, too, and I could tell I was even more different for this one, that I had new ways of showing up, that I could make different choices and that those choices impact how healthy I am coming out of an experience over which I do not have control.
It's powerful stuff.
I had hoped to write more about HeartBody Method last week, after the course started, because I know more of you are still thinking about it.
But I set communicating aside so that I could take care of myself.
I'm back to it today BECAUSE of my miscarriage.
I'm back because it profoundly showed me the power of this work, the amazing strength you have access to when you connect your heart and your body.
It showed me that HeartBody work flows through all areas of life, deepens the experience of life and gives you new tools - really practical tools about how to use your body in ways that lead to cellular health and really intuitive tools that lead to better decision making on behalf of your body.
I deeply believe in this work and would love to know that the people who want it and need it have access to you.