It worked.

I shared with you five or six months ago that my family was heading to Hawaii on an intuitive hunch. A knowing. A bit of guidance that came without clear logical context.

I had faced two years of excruciating insomnia (I could write a very sad missive about that) and, while on vacation in Hawaii a few months prior, my sleep improved. Just before leaving that vacation, the thought floated to me in the matter-of-fact way that intuition generally does: I just need 3-4 more months in Hawaii to let my nervous system heal, to let myself find sleep.

It was an utterly inconvenient thought.

But nevertheless, we ended our lease, put our stuff in storage, micro-chipped the cat, and got ourselves on a plane.

~ ~ ~

When you take action on intuitive downloads/desires/dreams/new information, you don’t really know what will happen.

• Will you get what you seek?

• Will there be struggle?

• Will it be easy?

• Will there be loss?

• Will it match what you imagine?

• Will you get what you came for?

Which is to say: I didn’t know what would happen; I didn’t know if I would get what I came for.

~ ~ ~

In short, Hawaii was a mess. I mean, really, a mess.

This mostly had to do with housing (although the few deaths on my husband’s side of the family didn’t exactly help the messiness).

We had planned to stay at a permaculture retreat center, doing a bit of work-trade in the way of WOOFERs and paying the bulk in rent. There was some good to this experience, but the relational environment was also extremely…dysfunctional. Narcissism for sure. Borderline personality disorder likely. Only to say that the wounding was alive and active. Plus, there WAS the time several four-inch long cockroaches clambered up my husband’s crack while he was using the composting toilet.

But I digress.

I was willing to deal with this relational environment for the sake of stability. Then the mold arrived. When I started sleeping in the car for its better air quality, it occurred to me that perhaps I should rethink the sitch.

The final straw was when our host ruthlessly shamed my son over a very minor understanding. At this point, I was willing to risk stability in the name of protection of the offspring.

Sometimes, we have trouble acting on our own behalf, especially when circumstances evoke earlier patterns/beliefs from our lives. If I couldn’t easily take curative action based on my perception of the psycho-emotional realities of my environment, I certainly could when they a) aggressively showed up in my body and b) affected my kid.

(NOTE: The body will talk very loudly if you do not respond to its subtler messages or to the other parts of you that are saying “Abort! Abort!” Prior to leaving the mainland, I had several clear messages not to stay at the retreat center but I IGNORED THEM. GAH!)

Leaving our set-up meant becoming transient. In addition to the ongoing, active issues of colonization and the general demands of tourism, Hawaii is suffering what many places are suffering: a dearth of affordable rentals due to Airbnb. As a result, we spent much of the rest of our time hopping from place to place and, if you were me, facing trigger after trigger and healing old shit.

It was PERFECT.

The inner work was practically effortless (not easy, but effortless) and…

I started sleeping.

The fear of the night went away and my days stopped being oriented around what-might-impact-sleep. On the times when sleep was hard, I could almost always pinpoint why. How different this was than the 24 months prior, when a+b would = ghlkhj or maybe = 1248 and I was never really sure what “a” was or “b” was and no amount of changing the variables led to anything consistently effective.

Just as importantly, my intuition sharpened. I devoted myself to paying attention to that which I could not see and found new pathways for healing and rest opening up to me.

And then one day, a few weeks before we left Hawaii, another thought floated in in that matter-of-fact way that intuition does: I’m done with the insomnia. I realized that although sleep isn’t perfect and it’ll likely take more time and effort to fully address the web of contributing factors, my system is no longer oriented around this pain. Yeah, I still have a bit of insomnia whiplash; yeah, I still have to be pretty conscious of my movement and my energy; yeah, I might have some hard nights in the same way an old injury aches when rain’s coming on…but I no longer actually have insomnia.

If you’ve ever dealt with insomnia, you know what an unbelievably life-altering shift this was.

The truth is, I still don’t know why I needed to go to Hawaii to resolve this chronic problem. (I also still don’t know exactly why I had this problem in the first place.)

• Was it the amniotic quality of the ocean?

• The energetic volatility of the active volcano?

• Being at sea level?

• The humidity?

• A simple change in environment?

Even with a little bit of hindsight, I do not know. It certainly looked nothing like I expected it would. And yet I got exactly what I needed. I listened to that matter-of-fact voice inside me that said to do a very impractical, expensive, inconvenient thing. By taking action on what I heard, I guided my life to the very medicine I needed.

~ ~ ~

I don’t know what big or small knowings are surfacing in your own life and in your own body, but I do know they matter. They exist to guide you to the very things you - and we as a collective - need.

• This is true even if others close to you disagree (for example, my husband, initially)

• This is true even if you get internet-shamed for your decisions (yes, that happened around this decision)

• This is true even if, on its face, it looks ridiculous, inconsequential or illogical

I hope you listen to those knowings. I really, really hope you respond. (I’m here to help with both!)

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